“You and I have always had a connection” he says, smiling at me as if he had missed me. Somehow, so far into the confusion of the on and off situationship that was us, this was a statement I couldn’t argue with. It wasn’t romanticised charm, it was the truth. A truth I had told the girls a thousand times before. “Have we?” I ask him, keeping my guard up enough that I wouldn’t go home feeling like he had taken half of my heart with him.
It was the truth, but it was never enough. Something about us could never fully make it to the finish line, he had made it there alright, but never with me. I knew it was choice, so I didn’t know why I was back here again. The only ending this was destined for was one we had lived through before. From the outside, we were so boldly incompatible, yet our energy was magnetic. On a deeper level we could click, but I knew we would always be treading water on the surface because he felt more secure there.
Is chemistry ever enough? It’s a natural flow, a spark that ignites by itself, a pull between two people, but can it become bigger than us? In modern dating, is it possible that great chemistry is the thing that pushes us apart?
I left, staying on surface level, and my heart came with me. I had to stop rooting for that deeper level because if he wasn’t there to meet me, I knew I would drown. And I don’t know where he pours the vulnerability of that energy, but I know mine had to go into moving forward.