“Ignore her and Love Island, he IS your boyfriend!”

I Think He's Gone Weird

Modern dating is like a skyscraper where elevators don’t exist. Each floor is another level, but we rarely make it to the top because we’re bloody exhausted from trying to climb all the other levels. Somewhere around floor 52, you are approaching “exclusive.” By now you are so far away from your mum who was asking “So when can we meet this boyfriend of yours?” on floor three. Woah mum, cool it, he still has to sweat over the “exclusive” stress yet.

Mid male confusion with my friend about whether or not I was actually involved with the guy I was involved with, her mum stated: “Ignore her and Love Island, he IS your boyfriend!” (Narrator: “He was in fact, not her boyfriend…”) Yes, it was solid, no bullshit advice, but when you’re dating these days, the word “boyfriend” can be a major 2020 taboo. “Boyfriend?? We’ve only been on 65 dates and seen each other naked 47 times??” You mention the B word and suddenly they don’t notice your new crop top from the Penneys €3 reduced rail, or the amount of time that went into tanning your legs, because you now just look like a walking wedding planner.

I don’t know who invented the 738 levels of modern dating, but I definitely think Mark Zuckerberg had something to do with it. The most romantic and great love stories now go something like: “Aw is he your boyfriend?” and you have to reply with a confident: “Well, er…he’s my, er…” so that your non-boyfriend feels comfortable. When really you want to shout at the top of your lungs: “WE ARE EXCLUSIVE. I THINK. NOT OVERLY SURE. THIS IS ALL A BIT SHIT. I NEED A NAP!”

So, has anybody ever gotten close enough to the top to know what is past level 703? And dare we break the news that I’ve actually had my baby names chosen since I was about 9 – long before my first kiss and occasional hook-up with Emotionally Unavailable Ed?

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