I was in my usual Saturday night spot, feeling great, single and free as a bird. Walking through the smoking area, I saw the guy I fancied. Cue 80s lovesong playlist. Could the night get any more perfect?
Sally Hansened to the core, boobs pushed up to my chin, eyelashes still in place, it had to be a great sign for the relationship. Was the big kiss approaching? Thank god I had shaved my legs higher than my knees. I knew it was only a matter of time before.. Oh fuck. A man did approach me, but it wasn’t the handsome hubby of mine in the distance, it was the ex. He started making casual chit-chat and I could see my love moving through the crowds behind him. He caught my eye, and made his way over too. Double fuck. Whyyyy? Ever been in a physical love triangle with an ex-boyfriend and your new boyfriend who didn’t know he was your boyfriend yet? He finally arrived and hit me with a friendly: “Fe! How are you?” I wanted to answer “Crying on the inside to be honest, wbu hun??” but I had to keep my cool. Well, two of us were trying to anyway.
As we began making normal adult conversation, and attempts at sexual tension, the ex entered with an unnecessary obnoxious air about him, speaking as if we were still together. He was jealous, and I was mortified. By this stage I wanted my leg hair that I had left at home to swamp my entire being. I couldn’t get the man on my right to leave the lads for me for five minutes when we were together, but now that I was making significant progress with the man on my left, he was stuck to me like one of those painful under the skin spots that you can’t get rid of. I tried giving him the “Plz don’t do this” eyes, but it was like throwing petrol on a bonfire. His behaviour had completely flown off the Richter scale of knobbery. The conversation/tense bickering ended with a very awkward “Anyway Fe, I’ll see ya!” before my maybe bae made his way out of the smoking area and left me with Mr Macho Man. I text him the next day to apologise, but he had taken the big kiss with him, we never ended up having it.