I Think He's Gone Weird
General I Think He's Gone Weird

“‘Hello’ wasn’t an option here, I was half-way through a packet of cheesy doritos and sporting a Miss Trunchbull style bun…”

When you see the guy who crushed your heart when you’re out in public, you can do one of two things – Say “hello” calmly and maturely, or do what I do and hide in the car footwell muttering: “Crap, crap, CRAP!!” until he disappears. “Hello” wasn’t an option here, I was half-way through a packet of cheesy doritos and sporting a Miss Trunchbull style bun. Any other time he saw me I was usually spluttering out vodka and blackcurrant twisted words or hitting him with the “Oh and also!” in between kebab bites. Daylight had to be the thing that would save my dignity, but right now it wasn’t looking particularly promising.

“GET DOWN!” I shouted at my mum, who was looking at me with a very puzzled expression on her face. We were suddenly starring in an action movie, and my mother was a terrible partner. “I knew I would see him, I had a vibe!!” By this stage, my vibe and I were looking like we had completely lost the plot as I tried to squeeze my entire body into the space the size of a school bag. Needless to say, I couldn’t fit, so I had to dramatically stare at my phone for a while because 1) I wouldn’t have to look at him if he passed. And 2) Am I texting a man? New boyfriend? Leonardo DiCaprio?? Okay so, chances are he actually wouldn’t have cared less who I was texting even if he did pass because he’s spent the majority of his life legging it away from me and the giant “BOO, COMMITMENT!” label I seem to have tattooed on my forehead.

To this day, I honestly couldn’t tell you if he saw me or where he disappeared to. I was too busy stalking my own social media posts from 2013.

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