I Think He's Gone Weird
General I Think He's Gone Weird

“By the third tin of processed peas I was ready to chuck one at my own head as he became more and more flirtatious with my mother…”

My mum is always on the hunt for the man of my dreams. I don’t really know why, grandchildren or something I guess? Or she is sick to death of listening to tales from my tragic life? She somehow tries to find him in every situation, a modern dating sniffer dog you may say. For some reason she seems to think he is going to take me in his arms dramatically as we are buying a new kettle, or that he will fling me against the veggie aisle when we’re shopping for my nan’s dinner. Anyway, for obvious reasons, none of these relationships have blossomed into anything, well, apart from one… er, kinda.

This story takes place at a supermarket checkout while I was harmlessly sorting frozen stuff from canned goods. Cute man serving us, late twenties, chatty (probably to everyone…) There we were making basic checkout chit-chat when mum started digging for the real deets. It started with the weather, which suddenly developed to his commute to work, to the distance from his house to work. I get it, the woman was digging to find out a bit about him for me, but yikes.

Within 30 seconds I was somehow third-wheeling with my own Ma and my potential future hubby who, may I add, I was definitely already planning to divorce. I couldn’t believe it, my dad was at home cutting the grass and here I was witnessing the sudden breakdown of his marriage which seemed pretty solid an hour ago. They had even planned the fajitas we would be having for tea before we left the house.

By the third tin of processed peas I was ready to chuck one at my own head as he became more and more flirtatious with my mother. I didn’t get a look in. We left some minutes later and I proceeded to ask: “Um, what was that about?” Well, she had the audacity to respond with: “Oh my god you are being dramatic, he kept looking at you!” She had lied straight to my face, I had in fact been getting more reaction from the packet of prawns we bought.

Ever since that moment, we can’t tell if he is just being friendly or plans to elope with her, but either way, for me, another one bites the dust.

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