1) My bank balance – Ah, when you think you have notes to throw at peasants but in fact you are the proud owner of €4.52.
2) The alarming rate my jeans shrink at when I spend that €4.52 on sausage rolls.
3) “Opened 2 minutes ago” It’s gone past the minute mark, there is no way he is going to reply now. No matter how good the lighting was, how much makeup you have on or if your cleavage was pushed up to your eyeballs, it’s time to inform the bridesmaids and cancel the wedding. No looking back.
4) Seeing my ex on a night out after I’ve had a full bottle of prosecco to myself. A Halloween costume in itself to be honest.
5) Wearing spanx on a night out. Okay so my organs are all being squashed and I’m pretty sure my tummy blubber has nowhere to go but up to my 45 chins, but this is completely fine.
6) Life as an adult. Look, I refuse to ring the doctor or the dentist. I’ll just let this toothache take me and if this is how I go so be it, nice knowing you all xx
7) That time I voluntarily let some fella pierce my nipple.
8) Trying to be sexy in a bodysuit. “Sorry, it’s a bodysuit, let me just open that there. Sorry, hang on a second, sorry.” *falls off bed and ghosted into oblivion*
9) When you’ve been texting him again and your friends find out. He’s changed gals, promise. You know what they say, 746th time lucky.
10) Tinder. I constantly feel like Jane arriving in the jungle and have yet to find Tarzan.