Find Yourself First

I was never the type of girl who would put a pause on the arrival of Prince Charming. In fact, I would regularly play made up romantic situations in my head and wait for the day he would finally come along and sweep me off my feet. Today, as I am staring out the window of my tower, or should I say bedroom, I can confirm that that day has still not arrived. Don’t get me wrong, potential ones have come and gone but there was none that made it to the end, none of them braved the dragon and stuck around long enough to save me. Quite often it turned out the ones who got the closest ended up being the ones that needed to be saved and the door was shut on us before I could even try to enter.
As I got older, the hopeless romantic in me did not die, and she is still there – a part of me waiting for the day my dream will finally come true and I will meet the man of my dreams, the man I always talked about meeting and the one who would stay with me and would finally be my happy ending. And don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to that because it is not a weakness to want to spend your life with a man that loves you. I still firmly believe that happy endings don’t only exist in fairytales. However, during this time of growing up I realised how extremely difficult finding that love can be. Having a heart that is ready to give and take means it is out there, completely vulnerable and able to get hurt. It is this heart that so many people hide away for that reason, they shut their heart off from being accessed so that it remains in a perfect condition. Again, having a heart like mine isn’t a weakness, and trust me, it may not look so perfect anymore, there are plenty of cuts and bruises from the poor handling by other people who did not care enough to properly look after the most valuable part of me.
As you grow up and try to find yourself, I can guarantee you at least once you will wonder “What is wrong with me?” You will not be able to comprehend why your friends have boyfriends and you don’t, or why things never work out for you or why that one person you would change the world for always leaves you high and dry. And then the worst thing happens in the world… your heart will get broken. And when I say broken I mean really broken like never before. The mention of his name will send shockwaves through you and your only chance of survival will seem to be cutting him out of your life and hoping you don’t bump into him when you’re running into a shop or on a night out. You will cry, you will hurt and you will hate – You will hate everyone’s advice and you will hate yourself for not hating him.
After a while your heart will begin to heal itself because time changes everything, you will realise how strong you can be, but you will also get used to not feeling good enough, more men will come and go and you will come to terms with the feeling of loneliness. You get your hopes up and go on dates and end up back where you started because right now you believe that you are the damsel in distress, struggling to survive by yourself and thinking it will be this way forever. Trust me, I know.
Then, out of the blue, something will set in your mind. Right now I don’t have a boyfriend to call when I’m sad or to watch new films with, and I don’t have a man’s name to put in my Instagram bio. Right now I have to fill the empty part of my heart myself, because maybe this spot isn’t reserved for someone else. Maybe there is something missing in my heart but it is adventure and new experiences. Maybe I’m the only person who can really push myself to do things and if I happen to meet Prince Charming along the way then so be it. Maybe waiting for Prince Charming is our greatest downfall because he isn’t waiting at all, he is out there living, writing the stories that he will tell us when he happens to stumble across us and our souls collide on top of a mountain in Asia or in a random coffee shop on a Tuesday afternoon, somewhere in Europe. Maybe when we stop looking for Prince Charming we will find ourselves, the person we really need to find.
Giving somebody else the power to save you will only kill you in the long run. Finding love is exciting, but waiting for love isn’t. In order to fall you have to be in a risky situation, so why should falling in love be any different? Timing is everything. Fill that empty space in your heart with living – with happiness, with laughter, with risks, with new places and new experiences and maybe, when your heart is overflowing with a love of life and you are writing your own happy ending, maybe you will be lucky enough to stumble across the other half of your soul and he will tag along with you on the rest of your adventures.

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