“I kept moving forward, but who was I missing now?” 

I Think He's Gone Weird

I was lost somewhere within that “Huh?” phase after we had ended. I had gone back over the last conversation so many times I could recite is as if it was my comfort tv show. It wasn’t just me, I had dragged the girls into it too. None of us knew what had brought us to this point, none of us could explain the halt in his emotions. 

Throw a normal Saturday afternoon into the mix, two takeaway cappuccinos, and you have myself and my best friend discussing him as we strut through town, a topic so hot for us that an Oprah appearance wouldn’t have been that unlikely. “I just don’t GET IT??” I stated as I held my coffee in one hand, my River Island purse being flung through the air to express my emotions in the other. “I know!” she continued, “I guess mayb-“ Within a very dramatic split second my coffee was almost in her face as I urged her to stop her sentence ASAP. In the distance, wedged between people doing their shopping and my heart that was beating at record pace, there he was.

My stomach was about to come out some end of my body, not completely sure which one as I prepared to see him for the first time since it all went down. The last time I saw him we had been lingering on a maybe, saying our goodbyes, both on the fence about whether there could be a next time for us. Something had changed, and as far as I knew, it wasn’t me. 

It was too late to turn back, we had to throw ourselves into the chaos and face it head on, I felt like Mufasa dangling off that ledge. We got closer, and I prayed to every spirit guide out there to let it all run smoothly. There was no where else to escape it, and he lifted his head to look at us. We spoke at the same time, both driven instantly by a mutual awkwardness, my over the top, friendly high-pitched: “HEY how are you!” was met by an extremely flat: “Well how are ye?” before his head dropped straight back down to his phone. Nothing more, nothing less. My mouth dropped, I had officially fallen off the ledge, all of our memories trampled on by an emotional stampede and the things we left unsaid. 

“Yikesssssss, what was that?” asked my bestie, both of us still recovering from the rocky vibes of it all. I had no answer. Who was that guy? Had we really dated for so long? We had built something my heart ached so much for at the end, and somehow, within seconds, it was all wiped out by a filler acquaintance-style connection. I looked back at him, and even though he looked just like the gentleman that had been opening both physical and emotional doors for me for months, my heart sank as I wondered whether I had spent weeks sobbing over a stranger. I kept moving forward, but who was I missing now?

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