WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? If that question hits you on some level, don’t worry, I’ve asked myself that question more times than I can remember. I’ve wondered it whilst fighting back tears on a beach when I was 17 and watching his hand move through the sand to find one that wasn’t mine, I’ve wondered it during an argument in a flat when I was 19, full to the brim with Pinot Grigio and doubts about whether the one would treat me this way. I’ve wondered it at age 20 when he walked me back to my friends in silence the morning after anything but silence, I’ve wondered it at a music festival when I was 22 and hit with the realisation that I was one of 22, and I’ve wondered it this year when I was staring at my bedroom wall after exiting the Snapchat app to leave a conversation that was stinking of disrespect and ignorance.
When it comes to dating, disaster follows me wherever I go. Name the self-sabotage, I’ve done it. I’ve wallowed, built them pedestals, sent the texts, woke up beside the ex. Look at that cute guy over there ignoring me, disrespecting me, unable to communicate and not ready to commit!! Girls, HAND ME MY TOOLKIT. Yep, I’ve tried to change them and instead of recognising flaws in them when it didn’t work out, I’ve found flaws in myself.
I was just about to give up on men again recently, when my mum decided she was having none of it. Apparently they’re not all shit and I’m sending bitterness out into the universe. Alrighty then, fair. Now don’t get me wrong, I know the right ones are out there, but my taste always lands me in dodgy predicaments. When it comes to love, I can just never seem to get it right, which works out great for all my mates because oh wow, are they kept entertained.
Maybe you are the same, it’s one thing after another and you’re starting to become immune to that disappointed feeling. If so, I want you to take this as a sign. Guess what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Please stop asking yourself that question. You are not alone, this is why this page exists! It’s just life, they’re just stories. You want someone to tell you how amazing you are? Girl, you’re fierce and made of stardust! You want to put some makeup on and go on a nice pizza date?? I’ll go with you!
You cannot change people or their actions. We have a tendency to judge ourselves because of the behaviour of other people. Trust me, I know. But when any situation is stinking of that disrespect and ignorance, you can either look inwards for flaws, or look ahead. So feel the hurt, recognise the change, forgive yourself for chasing a love that can leave you behind, know that you’ve done enough, wish them well, and then chuck your hair in a bun and let’s keep it moving.
