The Ending Of Something

Considering I actually felt sad waking up from a dream last night where I was dating The Weeknd, I think it’s safe to say my love life has been fairly rocky lately. On a recent trip out and about, I spotted a familiar man in the distance. It was one of those on/off/yes/no situations that silly old me would normally jump straight into, but this time was different. I don’t know if it was the decision of my guardian angel or my own common sense kicking in, but I stood there for a moment, thought for a second, and then did a complete U-turn. There is nothing wrong with this man and my conversations with him were always pleasant, but that was where I had to draw the line because I know there was no potential for growth or emotional investment on his part. Although I am sure we could have had plenty of fun and nights of laughter, I knew deep down in my heart there was no chance of sharing the days that followed the nights. My heart had been here before and she knew better. I left him standing in that room, walking away with my heart’s logic and nothing but my Penneys handbag on my arm.

We are living in the era of the situationship. A sort of, relationship oblivion. The sky is dark, the lights are dimming and commitment is rare. We are chasing love from people who aren’t capable of giving it fully. The strange thing about these situations is that they can still break your heart. People will make you believe these feelings aren’t valid, as if you can’t express your hurt after damage caused by a temporary maybe, but the truth is, the situationship can break your heart too. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve invested energy into situations that survived off hope and the reality was that when he left me behind I was left to piece my heart back together while buckling under the pressure of the thought that I wasn’t good enough for him. If you don’t think your heart can be broken by a ‘what if’, then you’ve, up to this point, been lucky enough to escape the confusion, absence and borderline insanity.

The ones who grieve for romance are not the crazy ones. You cannot open your heart to somebody and then expect them to turn off the care they have, you cannot expect the absence of a label to diminish the moments shared. That’s the funny thing about our generation, we are losing ourselves to people we can’t even call ours. Love isn’t measured by labels, so I don’t know why everyone is so afraid of them. Mutual, one-sided or half-hearted, love is love, and it will always carry positivity. I believe it is our inability to give this love that causes the pain. The truth is, real love rarely fades to hate. In fact, the people we should hate are often the ones we can never hate. We might hide behind supermarket aisles to avoid them, we might delete them off social media to try and forget about them and we may have a bedroom bin full of scrunched up letters we never sent them, but tarnished or not, love carries too much power to turn to hate. It has taken me a while to realise this but, you should never feel ashamed for carrying the weight of love, because whether it was returned or not, you still felt something. The ability to open up to love is something that takes extreme courage in this generation.

You possess full control of your heart, and if you feel it aching, you have every right to address and ease that pain instead of sweeping it under the carpet. It really doesn’t matter if you called this man your pal, your boyfriend, your best friend, the one, or the one who broke you. If his absence left a void that could only be filled with your favourite type of Dairy Milk bar and the slow changing of the seasons, then it is your absolute right to miss him, but in his absence, remember that it is also your responsibility to remind yourself that you are good enough. You were always good enough.

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