Rant Of The Week: Hey, At Least Your Week Isn’t As Bad As Mine

Soooooo, there wasn’t really any question about what my rant was going to be this week. As I was minding my own business a few days back (hair in a bun, pjs and glasses on, spots galore) I was already feeling a little over casual even to be sitting on my own couch, and if that wasn’t bad enough, my mum proceeded to say “Fe I didn’t realise you actually have a double chin as you’re just sitting there normally!” Eh, thanks? I really wanted to know that mum? The worst part was I wasn’t even in a serious double chin position, the excess flab just belonged there. I suppose it could be worse right, it could have been like that time when an ex described me as “cuddly.” So here’s me thinking I’m looking like the goddess Aphrodite while I’m munching my way through a bag of doritos wondering how he was resisting this master of sexiness and seduction at all, but in fact I am just cuddly.

To top off all of this, I read an article that said “Signs you’re turning into your mother” with the plan to read it out to my sister and lol at the state of her life and her resemblance to my mother, but hey, as luck would have it, who is really turning into their mother?? Missus cuddly over here! Every single bloody sign was basically explaining my life. So if I’m like my mum and she’s like my nan then that means I’m like my nan and it’s just all becoming too much. Yes I may wear coats on nights out, because it just gets so cold and I am as single as all the pairs of Penneys pearl earrings I’ve had over the years. I was even going to carry flip flops in my handbag the other night. Although, more importantly, I got to thinking… has my metabolism slowed down or has my Grandmother’s wisdom and her weird habits all gone to my chin? Hmmm? And just when I think my only support in life lies with my friends, I send two snaps in a row to my friend and she responds with “Did you just eat a wrap and then a burger?” Yes. Yes I did. And, um, rude? Although, granted she actually had a point because I’m beginning to regret both now, I think the cow and chicken are having a battle in my stomach… it’s like some messed up cartoon that is making me more cuddly than ever…

It is just one of those weeks where even the air is annoying me and I know I’m possibly being ungrateful because the sun is shining, but do I have the time or patience to keep on top of my leg shaving? NOPE. And even though I don’t want to shave my legs, do I desperately need a man to come into my life with cuddles and cute dates? Yes, I certainly do because at least I would be cuddly and loved up again. Being cuddly is an awful quality to possess while you’re alone, overly hairy and feeling sorry for yourself.

ALSO, I nearly got attacked by a dog this week. Okay, well, it was on the lead and didn’t come anywhere near me and I was the only one freaking out, but still…

ALSO (PART 2), I was up at 7am on Sunday morning vomiting up Pernod which may explain the cranky mood from lack of a lie in…

Right folks, that’s it from me until Pernod Part 2! Over and out!

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