Rant Of The Week: Dealing With The Breakup

I am sure I have talked about this topic before but I was trying to think of topics that I think you will enjoy reading and might give you all a lift or some advice and this was one of them so if it helps even one person who is going through this or something similar – great! By the way, I’m no expert. I’m just offering you advice from what I’ve learned from my past mistakes and how getting kicked out of nightclubs for crying and falling over, or going on Tinder and super liking the ex you’ve just been dumped by three days after the breakup because you need a cuddle is NOT a good idea no matter how encouraging your friends may be about it. Anyway, that’s enough about me, moving on…

The truth is, no matter how much advice you get, breakups are hard. In fact, they are bloody crap. You feel like your heart is being pecked at by an angry ostrich and you just want to fire a load of tomatoes at your ex’s house until you feel somewhat better and can bring the pity party to a close – Okay people, that’s a wrap, time to go home. I don’t want to tip toe around the truth and tell you you’ll be fine and will find someone better, I mean, you will, but when you haven’t reached that stage yet there are a lot of nitty gritty breakup details to take in to help you get where you need to be.

For many of us, breakups are our first taste of the feeling of a broken heart and sometimes you can feel like you will be trapped in this lost love limbo forever. The truth about breakups is that people don’t often talk about how much they hurt. We all shy away behind selfies to show we’re getting on with our lives when in reality we’re heading home to indulge in the Notebook for the 4th time this week. The bad thing about that? It’s only Tuesday… No, but seriously, you can try, but at the end of the day you can’t filter a broken heart.

If you lot think you have it bad, just remember that I am here offering advice and admitting how much of a blubbering mess I have been during breakups when it’s quite possible that my ex’s are reading this to see if I have tried to tear them apart (oh hey hun, you might want to shut down the laptop now…) Nah, I could try to ruin lives but the majority of these lads have seen me doing weird things like awkwardly dancing and shaking the bum I don’t have as I’m getting dressed or plucking those random boobs hairs (just me?) and I live in a small town where rumours spread quicker than my thigh flab when I sit down, so eh, let’s leave the slagging until a later point in my life when I’m more settled, or dead.

Firstly, the worst thing you can do during the raw stages of a breakup is dwell on nothing but the positive side of your relationship. I mean you will definitely do this because it’s a natural way to deal with a loss, but no offence, if you have broken up things couldn’t have been that swell. So yes, I’m sure he watched your favourite movie with you once in candlelight and it was all very romantic but I am here to remind you about the annoying foot tapping he kept doing or the way he was loudly rustling a crisp packet when Jack was no more than a dying glimmer of hope floating to the bottom of the North Atlantic. Did he watch this movie spontaneously or because you begged for weeks? Did he set it up in the garden on a summer’s night surrounded by fairy lights? Nah, all you got was him trying to get those last few salt and vinegar crumbs at the bottom of the bag at the most inconvenient time everrrr.

Secondly, when it comes to any forms of social media… delete. Delete. DELETE. I do not say this lightly. Ignore your friends who say “Don’t give him the satisfaction,” you’ve already given him plenty of that during your relationship just by being present in his life so adding a little “Cya!” to the end can’t possibly do any damage. Nothing good comes from creeping or him popping up in your newsfeed every 17 seconds as he is trying to prove how great his life is without you. Spoiler alert: His mum took that group “lads on tour” photo and Paul didn’t even make it past pre-drinks.

You will literally overthink everything. EVERYTHING. Porridge in that picture of his kitchen? That family always ate cornflakes, so who is this new porridge-eating woman on the block ready to steal my spot in his life? DELETE. I honestly never creep on ex’s, I usually block them until my bitterness dies down a little bit a few months later and then they get upgraded by getting unblocked and earn the privilege of being able to creep on me again as someone who has only been unfriended. My ex’s could honestly be dating Rihanna or have grown a world record beard (doubtful) and I wouldn’t know about it. Girl, focus on yourself and leave him to eat the porridge if he wishes.

Third, do not go out this weekend in your new €19 Penneys dress to try and make him jealous. I’m sorry to break it to you, but take it from me after many failed attempts at this plan – it won’t work and you aren’t ready. Honestly, you need time to heal. Seeing him will only upset you and you will spend your night wondering what he’s doing and who he’s with. Or he actually will get jealous and you end up going home with him. Either way, the breakup will still be just as painful the next morning whether you’re waking up in his bed or your own. What I’ve learned is you need time to absorb your unfortunate, blubbery, no makeup days in order to make your inner self feel permanently done up again.

My last point is, it’s all routine. A lot of the reason why you’re hurting so badly is because your plans have been messed up, your routine is changing and his name won’t be in your inbox anymore. Welcome change rather than fearing it because you can just create new routines and new memories with new people. I can promise you, even though it seems unbelievable now, it will get to the point where you can listen to people talk about him again without needing to block your ears and you will walk past him and even though you’re now both living separate lives, the memories will come flooding back but you’ll no longer feel like you’re drowning.

To conclude…

  • It wasn’t that swell so don’t start to dwell.
  • His Instagram was always boring anyway, he only updated it with pics of his car every eight weeks. Boy, bye.
  • He is not the occasion for your fab new dress, there will be plenty of occasions. Stay home and stay off Snapchat!
  • Start a new routine – Buy a turtle, take him for walks, plant some flowers, egg the house of that girl he told you not to worry about (your ex, not the turtle.) Love yourself!

I really hope this helped gals! And on a lighter note, when you’ve dragged yourself out of your tear and tissue filled bed and got your life back together a bit, let’s put things back into perspective here – Jennifer Aniston had to get over Brad Pitt, so I’m sure you can get over John without being too pathetic like me.

Good luck xx

Rant Of The Week: Dublin And Doubts

Despite being the most loud and in your face person, simple things such as ordering a cup of tea in an unfamiliar cafe by myself used to send a fear through me which was worse than three Sundays in a row over the party season. It is only the past year or so that I have started to be more independent and face things by myself. The scariest of this was probably this week when I went up to an event in Dublin by myself, something I never would have done before. It may sound weird to some people, but whenever I go anywhere I usually follow my sister around like an annoying puppy and leave her to do all the organising, I think this was because whenever we were young she was always the one in charge.

Anyway, sister-less yet stylish, off I went and well, lets just say, I’m still here to write this post, aren’t I? I started the day off with a fab skirt and my Fenella necklace to set my day off with an empowering Carrie Bradshaw vibe. I mean, at no point in Sex and the City do I remember Carrie sitting on a bus eating cheestrings, but hey, I’m here to spice things up a little. Also, Carrie could walk properly in her heels, I on the other hand could not, but I’ll tell you more about that later.

My mum dropped me off to the bus at 8am and I did my usual thing where I use humour to mask my insecurities – “Thanks mum, I’ll text you later, if I ever get there and don’t end up somewhere else!” were the words that came out of my mouth, but in reality my head was shouting “YOU GAVE BIRTH TO ME AND ARE JUST GOING TO LET ME RUN LOOSE IN A CITY ALONE AT 21??? WHAT IF I DO END UP SOMEWHERE ELSE, DO YOU HAVE A SOLID PLAN OF ACTION WITH HOW WE WILL DEAL WITH IT?” I then proceeded to ask her 15 times if I was getting on the right bus, and she was quick to remind me that the big “Dublin” sign on the front slightly gave it away. Oh. 
So when I got on the bus I was quite comfortable because the bus driver was very friendly and I actually had packed cheestrings for the journey. I didn’t even need to worry about my iPhone’s crappy battery because my mum gave me her iPod (my one is broken and I can’t travel without music.) So anyway, I dozed off listening to Jason Mraz, Bruno Mars, Keane, Lionel Richie, the occasional Christmas Song and Kenny Rogers (thanks mum) when I was in a complete dreamlike state. All was fine until the crucial bus moment –  a moment that still turns my cheeks bright red with embarrassment. I woke up, face squashed up to the window, mouth wide open, the possibility of a little bit of dribble sliding down the window, and I turned to my left, looked out the window to see a school bus of kids staring back, waving at me. WAVING AT ME WHILE I WAS ASLEEP. There they were, watching me dream about Kenny Rogers. They were, in the words of Peter Kay, bold as brass. If they took pictures and I end up getting turned into a meme, I am so done! Right, unfortunately I can feel my cheeks starting to heat up again. MOVING ON. 
After that minor inconvenience, everything got much worse to be really bloody honest. My beautiful heels were squashing my feet and I was unable to balance my body because all my weight seemed to be falling onto my toes – 47 cheestrings later and it’s safe to say I had several regrets, I was definitely lighter when I got on the bus. I was half tempted to google “How to lose cheestring weight quickly” but, as usual, my signal was so bad. The worst part about stumbling in heels? Trying to play it cool when you know very well at least five people are waiting in anticipation for you to face plant the rain soaked street. Yes, I know, the weather has been fab all week, not when I decided to go to Dublin though. On top of all this I was trying to make sure people didn’t think there was a full moon in Dublin at 11am when my skirt kept creeping upwards. Excuse me skirt, I kindly brought you into my life, so can you not? 
I then got lost after using the toilet, I was completely thrown, my plans to be there by just after 11:00 were soon blurring into 12:00 on my watch and I had no idea where I was going. Google Maps told me many times that I had reached my location, but that was 100% wrong unless my location was supposed to be some (probably drunk) man who kept saying “You’re breaking my heart!” Eventually though, I arrived at the event… This heartbreaker was in the building, bitchesss. I also had a fabulous time and all was absolutely splendid – so many laughs were had and so much style to indulge in! 
I took off my heels when it was over and ended up happily breezing through the city for the next hour or so completely pain and stress free. I even got a spot on the bus home I wanted, which I had been panicking about earlier too. However, of course, this being a day in the life of Fenella Fox, mirroring a chapter of Bridget Jones Diary, I got off the bus ready to pop into another event and managed to land in a puddle that splattered mud all over my bare, freshly shaved legs. The only positive of this was it probably evened out my week long tan which was now just half fading chunks. Sun kissed always turns into sun vomit eventually and there I was trying to balance whilst I wiped clean one leg, unable to sit on the bench beside me which was empty apart from the remains of when the heavens had opened a few minutes before. 
Did I survive travelling alone? Yes! Could I do it again? Definitely! Would I do it again? Not until Google Maps gets its life together – Mate, we weren’t even kind of close to where we needed to be. I also wouldn’t use the loo again because it threw me off and I lost all sense of direction when I took a right into that cubicle of doom. Don’t get me wrong, adventures are endless excitement and the highlight of our lives, but there’s no place like home! Saying that though, risky days often turn out to be our proudest memories and of course I feel so proud of myself now because I did it, even though I doubted myself to begin with. 

Rant Of The Week: The Meaning Of Life

Life and family are the two most precious things ever. Without life there would be no family and without family, life would be so different. When I say family I mean the category without limits – blood relatives, relatives by marriage, your friends, your pets, the people you feel add a little spark to every day by just being present. Even though everyone is aware of how precious life is, we still do not treat it as the rare and fragile jewel that it is.

Today, we are all guilty of prioritising the average things in life. We chase mediocre relationships and the people who do not cherish us. Everyone these days is afraid to live life to the full, they hold back their feelings, remain quiet, fear love and are too proud to welcome forgiveness. I honestly think pride is one of the biggest killers today. Everyone lives by playing mind games and believing if people truly care about you they would know how you feel about them. The reality is, when you’re leaving Earth for something greater, will you be worrying about what others think of you? Will you be holding back from letting someone know how you feel about them? Will your ego be the strongest feeling that is shining through? Very few people dance through life because so many of us are stumbling. We all stand on a beach and stare at the horizon, various problems running through our minds and somehow think these problems are important in the grand scheme of things, as if those waves, rocks, shells and fish are going to be so phased by the gathering you weren’t invited to, a bill you have yet to pay, the coffee you spilled on your new skirt or the man who broke your heart.

People settle into fake friendships and are willing to accept being left out and walked all over simply because they feel like they don’t have anyone else, as if out of the 7 billion people there are only two you can hang out with. None of us want to tell the person we love how much we love them, the ink that shaped and formed romantic poetry and love songs is running and blurred as we forget to speak from our hearts fully incase we are “too clingy” or face rejection.

We let the people we love to pieces slip away, out of our grips without knowing how much we love them because of minor arguments and disagreements we have had along the way. We hold onto grudges much tighter than we hold onto forgiveness and then complain when we get rope burn. We pour all of our appreciation into a like button on a social network and images that will one day be nothing more but memories lost in cyber space. We analyse peoples lives by the way we see it through a screen and try to fix broken relationships that way instead of knocking on their door and enveloping them in a hug.

We feel forced into life paths we don’t want and end up unhappy and unmotivated because we let somebody else’s journey influence our own even though they won’t always be there to brave the journey with us. People roll their eyes at people with different ideas, styles and choices as if life came with a rule book that guides us towards a future that has been set out by another person. People hold back from laughing, dancing and loving because of what other people will think… but who cares what people think? Where is the value in your life if you don’t squeeze every drop out of it everyday? We could all leave here tomorrow or in a hundred years time so that uncertainty should be constantly lighting up our spirits.

We are all a simple dot in the universe, a mere blip in the millions of years and millions of people who have come and gone before us and those who will come and go after us, leaving layers of different footprints on lands and hearts while the waves just keep crashing and the wind keeps blowing, free of prejudice and free of hate. However, during your time here you will realise that not everybody has the same heart as you, the world is full of clashing personalities. Many of these personalities are wonderful, influential people, but unfortunately, some people lack sincere, overwhelming love in their hearts, they lack compassion and they often try to make other people’s lives lack these things too. Hate and bitterness is contagious, but only if we allow it to be.

Every person you love is a part of you, every soft spot takes up some part of your heart, much more than bitterness ever will. If you love someone, tell them. If you miss someone, tell them. If you love someone but you’re angry at them, tell them so you can forgive them. If they don’t love you or don’t want forgiveness, let it go, your conscience can’t be burdened by someone else’s pride and bitterness. If you weren’t supposed to form relationships or feel things, no one else would be here with you, yet every single day we are passing hundreds of souls that have all been through different things. Everyone is fighting their own battle and it is up to you to be the main warrior in yours.

As my mum always says – We are all just passing through. People will come and people will go, there will be stormy weather out at sea and there will be days when the water is calmer. That is what is important in life, the fact that we all ended up here, above a ground that can sprout flowers and grass from hardly anything, the fact that we are all beneath an ever changing array of colours in the sky with fluffy looking shapes thrown up there too, the fact that out of billions and billions of living, breathing, unique personalities, we have all met at least one person who needs us to complete their picture for the short time they are here.

The most amazing thing of all about life is that even though bright lights twinkle in the sky every night and a huge ball of gas rises every morning to awaken different parts of the world at different times, and the fact that you could end up meeting the other half of your soul out of the blue when the time is right in a coffee shop, or book shop or on a train at the other side of the world, even though all of this happens, and so much more, it is absolutely incredible that people still don’t believe anything is possible. Look at your fingers, look at your toes, look at a newborn, look at a shooting star, look at someone you really, really love and then tell me you don’t believe in miracles. The fact that we are here at all is a complete miracle, never mind the added extras that bring everything to life. We are clearly here for a reason and with all of the things we have been lent here on Earth, there is no way that any of that reason is negative.

The truth is, fear is so real in society today, but I don’t just mean terror. The simple everyday fear is holding us back from creating extraordinary lives out of ordinary lives and making us all think “What if?” instead of “Oh well, we’re all just passing through!” The most amazing thing you can do with your life is to live it because we don’t know what lies around the corner. Live it so well that you impact every single person you meet in some way, but live it so beautifully humbly that you can also still appreciate your complete and utter insignificance when you stand barefoot on endless grains of sand and stare out at the horizon.

Rant Of The Week: Yes, I Am Too Much

“Too” is such a damaging word for society today. Each day as we are learning and growing, we are told we are “too” something. Women are growing up thinking certain aspects of their personalities are too overpowering and a negative thing and as I am aware that the majority of my readers are female, I wanted to discuss this issue.

When I googled the definition of “too much” the first thing that popped up was “An intolerable, impossible, or exhausting situation or experience.” 

With me, I have heard…

  1. “You’re too much.” 
  2. “You cry too much.” 
  3. “You care too much.” 
  4. “You talk too much.” 

Aaaaand probably many more. So do all of these things make me intolerable? Impossible? Exhausting? Is this the mark my existence is leaving on the world as a 21-year-old woman? Can too ever really be a negative thing? Isn’t 100% always going to be better than 50%?

One time a guy actually told me the way I act is too much. The truth is, he was right. I am too much. Everything I do is too much. My heart doesn’t work in halves and I don’t want to hand control of this over to someone who doesn’t respect this because this passion is absolutely consuming and somebody needs to really want it before they can fully benefit from it. Needless to say, I didn’t talk to him after this. I stared at my phone in complete horror before calming down and thanking every saint, ancestor and dead pet for helping me dodge what could have been one of the most confidence damaging bullets of my life. Some things would really make you realise why Beyonce released Irreplaceable – for those people who try to convince you that your personality caused you to make a huge mistake and with relationships these days I really could have another him in a minute and that’s the scary thing, wanting the Beast but ending up with another Gaston.

The same guy told me I cry too much, but he can join the club! Men who fear water works would want to stay well away from me because I cry so much it’s actually a miracle the government have never tried to charge me. I have always been a sensitive and emotional person, tears are an obvious symbol of many of my strongest emotions and overtime my friends associated me with my famous phrase “Why are my eyes watering?” Anytime a man tells me I cry too much, this would be followed by my mind asking myself my own phrase “Why are my eyes watering?” to express my complete anger and embarrassment for myself. This eye watering can occur in his presence or in the privacy of my bedroom as I’m reading a text but as I’m writing this I don’t feel embarrassed by my tear ducts, in fact, I’m glad they’re alive and well because I have every right to express how I feel if I’m hurt or moved by something.

Now, when it comes to my motormouth, the funny thing about being told I talk too much is the fact that when I was little I never used to talk, my parents were worried about me for the first few years of my life because I just never said anything, even on videos you just see me skipping past the camera every so often until my mum says “Fe, do you need a wee?” and even at that I just nod and run upstairs. Clearly I have made up for this lack of communication since, and even though I have been told I talk too much, this has led me to the ability of standing up for myself, saying how I feel and speaking out about what I feel is right. I will never let people talk down to me, because how can you silence the girl who talks too much?

These days, passions are seen as flaws. A woman who gives something her all and holds something close to her heart is seen as too much and too vibrant for those around her. People look down on her for feeling or acting the way she does, but isn’t it amazing to know she’s really living by feeling everything so deeply? Maybe we do care too much, we care too much about what other people think about us. Isn’t too much so much better than not enough? People will remember the hurricane, but they won’t remember the light breeze.

On a less heavy note, never forget – You can never be too much and you can never eat too much pizza! *See image below* Honestly, have I ever looked more content?

Rant Of The Week: Someone Else’s Success Is Not Your Failure

Earlier this week I was speaking to a Leaving Cert student. They told me how they felt down about their own ability because a student in their class kept questioning what their goals were for the future and making them feel inferior because the amount of points each of them got in the mocks were so different. Flashback to a few years ago and I was also that student, feeling inferior and a bit lost, staring around at a school full of girls who were feeling the exact same way except some people were better at hiding it than others.

Let’s come back to now and I am still feeling lost, like every other person in Ireland my age who can’t remember their Leaving Cert properly. Now that I am living in the real world I realise how easy I had it in school and the mid-life crisis doesn’t actually hit you until your twenties come at you full force. Now that I have experienced all my friends going off to college near and far, people dropping out of college, people finishing their degree, the struggle to find employment, trying to keep my bank balance above fifteen quid, friendships dropping like flies, magical men who are bloody great at disappearing acts and the realisation that I am now an official adult with no way out of this, that mid-life crisis has hit me, bang splat in the face (which is the only thing that has slightly improved since my teenage years, everything else started going downhill – Boobs, my metabolism and tolerance for people’s bullsh*t included!)

Okay, no. I’m being a little bit dramatic, but trust me, when you take off the pinafore forever you will leave that world far behind you. I have met many people in my time who enjoyed staring down their nose at my desire to follow my own path even though it was so different to theirs. You’re not in a position to look down on anybody, ever. None of us are. Who are you to put yourself on a pedestal? At what point in school do you think you’re hiding diamonds, complete power and the answer to the world’s biggest problems in the front of your school bag rather than a half-eaten mouldy ham sandwich and a broken compass like the rest of us? You cannot compare William Shakespeare to Isaac Newton and say one of them was more talented and well off than the other. You cannot measure somebody’s ability and future on a scribbled grade at the bottom of a sheet of paper.

When you’re young, everything seems like it’s the end of the world. Take this from a girl who didn’t have a huge group of friends, the girl who was anxious, sensitive and cried about everything, the girl who used to dodge the ball at all costs in PE, the girl who’s pinafore never fit right and always hung below her knees, the girl who used to fear her first kiss and never drank wildly on weekends while rumours swirled about all the girls in my year who were supposedly going to random sessions and having nights of passion with random boys from the school down the road… frightening stuff for a girl who’s brain was still learning and who’s body was still developing. (Side note: The development is hopefully still an ongoing process, I wouldn’t mind growing an extra inch or two but for some reason my waist and leg hair have somehow got the memo rather than my height!) Look, my point is, we don’t have Cheerleading squads in Ireland, but if we did, trust me, I most definitely would not have been on it.

Now the reality is, I’m still anxious and cry a lot but I stand up for myself too and the person I have grown into and fought damn hard for. Since school has ended my talents have been recognised which means the world to me and puts a little smile on my face before I close my eyes every night. I am now the one drinking wildly on weekends while trying to shake off the popular boys in school who suddenly start to notice you when you start to blossom. The funny thing about this though, the popular boy is no longer appealing because as you are blossoming so are all the boys who went unnoticed for years just like you did. No amount of vodka and blackcurrant can make 21-year-old me believe “popular” is a real term anymore because life isn’t set in an American High School and these days, cutting out people is much easier than cutting out carbs. As you grow up you realise that you don’t have to blend into the background of a group who don’t make you feel good about yourself. Not benefiting my life, my happiness or helping me grow? Cya, bud!

Back to the exam situation… you want to know what isn’t a mock? LIFE PEOPLE, THIS IS THE REAL DEAL. You can spend it working your hardest to float your own boat or you can keep floating others, but trust me, if you work on others, yours is going to start sinking pretty quickly. You are you and as cheesy as that sounds, it’s the truth. In the wise words of my brother (who probably read this online or something, let’s be honest) – Someone else’s success is not your failure.

And guess what? Not one person has asked me how many points I got in the Leaving Cert so well done on whatever result you get but if this is the way you plan on valuing yourself or other people from August onwards, you’re going to be in for a bit of a shock when you step into the real world and society is ready to view you as an equal and life is ready to set everything on fire! For example, as I am writing this I have looked down and as you can imagine, am bloody DELIGHTED to realise my jeans have split due to my thunder thighs. My favourite jeans may I add. You know, the old reliable casual and dressy skinnies when you plan on wearing jeans and a nice top? Yep, that’s life my friends.

So that I don’t end this post on a completely negative note, I just wanted to get the point across that what’s for you won’t pass you. I’m not here to give you study tips because I could do with some of those myself, but I am here to remind you that everyone’s journeys are so different and the journey really is the best part, getting where you truly want to be with the people who truly believe in you and want to get there with you. The hype you’re going through now is nothing compared to what’s ahead of you and when you leave those school gates for good, the time spent there will become fond memories, blurring in time and you will realise that adventure really has been waiting for you and now it’s time to start living it.

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My t-shirt dress is from Penneys!

Rant Of The Week: Hey, At Least Your Week Isn’t As Bad As Mine

Soooooo, there wasn’t really any question about what my rant was going to be this week. As I was minding my own business a few days back (hair in a bun, pjs and glasses on, spots galore) I was already feeling a little over casual even to be sitting on my own couch, and if that wasn’t bad enough, my mum proceeded to say “Fe I didn’t realise you actually have a double chin as you’re just sitting there normally!” Eh, thanks? I really wanted to know that mum? The worst part was I wasn’t even in a serious double chin position, the excess flab just belonged there. I suppose it could be worse right, it could have been like that time when an ex described me as “cuddly.” So here’s me thinking I’m looking like the goddess Aphrodite while I’m munching my way through a bag of doritos wondering how he was resisting this master of sexiness and seduction at all, but in fact I am just cuddly.

To top off all of this, I read an article that said “Signs you’re turning into your mother” with the plan to read it out to my sister and lol at the state of her life and her resemblance to my mother, but hey, as luck would have it, who is really turning into their mother?? Missus cuddly over here! Every single bloody sign was basically explaining my life. So if I’m like my mum and she’s like my nan then that means I’m like my nan and it’s just all becoming too much. Yes I may wear coats on nights out, because it just gets so cold and I am as single as all the pairs of Penneys pearl earrings I’ve had over the years. I was even going to carry flip flops in my handbag the other night. Although, more importantly, I got to thinking… has my metabolism slowed down or has my Grandmother’s wisdom and her weird habits all gone to my chin? Hmmm? And just when I think my only support in life lies with my friends, I send two snaps in a row to my friend and she responds with “Did you just eat a wrap and then a burger?” Yes. Yes I did. And, um, rude? Although, granted she actually had a point because I’m beginning to regret both now, I think the cow and chicken are having a battle in my stomach… it’s like some messed up cartoon that is making me more cuddly than ever…

It is just one of those weeks where even the air is annoying me and I know I’m possibly being ungrateful because the sun is shining, but do I have the time or patience to keep on top of my leg shaving? NOPE. And even though I don’t want to shave my legs, do I desperately need a man to come into my life with cuddles and cute dates? Yes, I certainly do because at least I would be cuddly and loved up again. Being cuddly is an awful quality to possess while you’re alone, overly hairy and feeling sorry for yourself.

ALSO, I nearly got attacked by a dog this week. Okay, well, it was on the lead and didn’t come anywhere near me and I was the only one freaking out, but still…

ALSO (PART 2), I was up at 7am on Sunday morning vomiting up Pernod which may explain the cranky mood from lack of a lie in…

Right folks, that’s it from me until Pernod Part 2! Over and out!

Rant Of The Week: Bacon Before Nudes

Oh heyyyyy, it’s me! You may have been shocked to read “Rant Of The Week” in this blog post title since I haven’t written one in, well, ages. I think my last one was in August and then after that I seemingly had nothing to rant about, until recently when life started to get my eyes rolling again. So guess what? I’m back, bitchessss! Although from now on my rants will be midweek instead of on a Sunday. I’ve really missed this, I hope you all have too… there’s no loyalty unless there were tears. LOTS OF TEARS.

Anyway…

For my comeback rant I knew immediately what I would talk about. Last night while I was scrolling through social media I came across a beautiful, tempting picture of bacon. For a second, I thought to myself, why is Kim K posting about bacon? Well it turns out it was actually a picture of her lipstick collaboration with her lookalike and sister, Miss Kylie Jenner. Before I carry on I would like to remind all of you that I absolutely love the Kardashians! In fact, Kim and Kylie are my favourites. However, if anything is being fried right now it is my brain and not the imaginary bacon.

My 4 fave shades of nude! It’s pretty much all I wear & there’s so many variations so this collab is truly a collection of faves! #KKWXKYLIE pic.twitter.com/P8R1ncmAwU

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

Now I love a classic nude lip as much as the next gal, but for women who have built an extraordinary empire, is there no other products they can release?? Us ladies spend half of our days turning down “Nudes?” snaps and now the other half is being filled by Kim and Kylie shoving nudes in our faces. ENOUGH WITH THE NUDES. I also love makeup, but they all look pretty much the same to me. Kim said it was a collection of her faves, but I think they have fooled us into buying one shade with different names, and even if the shades are different, they clearly aren’t that different. If anything, I would just get flustered trying to settle on one.

Put the Kardashian name to something and it sells out in no time. KKWxKYLIE, Kiki, Kimmie, Candy K, Koko K, all the K’s. It is just all getting a bit confusing to me. I would love a Kylie lip kit but I want one in the quirky colours and right now I can’t go looking for that because the nude confusion on the website hurts my eyes… there is just so many already.

It does make me wonder what would happen if I got to that level of fame and decided to release a cosmetic/bacon line. What would I call it? FFxPEPPA? Fefe F?? FOXxPIG?? Suggestions welcome…

Everyone saying this is Kim’s signature look and Kylie is inspired by it, yet we all have naturally nude lips. I mean, in the posters for it were they wearing the lip kit? And were they wearing the same shade? I’m so confused! Also, if I pose with my sister like they are, will we look like this or have we really focused too much on bacon to truly achieve that chiseled appearance?

I don’t even know. I’m hungry…

P.S. This doesn’t mean I would prefer actual nudes, if you plan on being generous and sending me any, let’s stick to the cosmetic side of things, eh?

Ah, it feels good to be back! Chat soon!

Fe xx

Rant Of The Week: National Girlfriend Day?!

It’s almost 8 o’clock on a Bank Holiday Monday, I am lying in bed in my pyjamas with dodgy tan lines, contemplating life and scrolling through memes, laughing away to myself with my double chin out and about. It occurs to me that today is National Girlfriend Day, and whether that means in terms of friendship or relationships, I can’t help but think about how so many of the closest people around me are either already in relationships, nearly in a relationship or a lot closer than I am to even being put in the same sentence as the word ‘relationship’ (Some guys actually text back apparently, I dunno!) There is a half empty naggin of vodka sitting on my bedroom desk, so deciding to approach this would probably result in adding more depressing love songs to my phone playlist and a very, very grim end to an already rainy Bank Holiday Monday. For this reason, I have decided to leave the naggin for another day and write this post for all the girls out there who are currently in the exact same boat as me. I feel ya, huns!

The most annoying thing about being single is probably promising myself to start living a little and playing the field which ended up not being the right life for me. AT ALL. Add one night out, one new guy, a few shots of tequila and boom – Panic sets in. Although women are supposed to be the queens of multitasking, when it comes to multitasking in romance, many men seem to have it perfected. I love writing lists and ticking things off as I go but somehow I feel doing this with the male species would just not be the same and I’ll want to keep unticking the one I become the most attached to so that I can go back for round 2. By round 2 I don’t mean anything particularly raunchy or wild, I honestly mean a mirror image of round 1 which was me awkwardly saying ‘Hey, how are you?’ before going bright red, tripping over my own feet and sending him a text the next day he will never reply to. Honestly, how can I play the field if I’m too nervous and too much of a walking disaster to even enter the field? For me, a walking disaster magnet, the Friend-Zone is a lot safer because the dating fields I enter often seem to be filled with lava and dragons – enter at your own risk or just enjoy the view outside from the Friend-Zone. Hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained though, right? However, a life constantly finding fun in new men is all well and good if you haven’t had your future planned since you were 7 or designed your wedding dress in second class (aka my life…)

Don’t get me wrong, I love the feeling of cutting all toxic ties and starting fresh with a new romantic slate, but I guess I’m just still waiting for that one guy who will sweep me off my feet completely out of the blue and until that time comes nothing else will really be good enough (Sorry people but I have been brainwashed by Disney movies!) You see when I say playing the field I really just mean creeping on a few guys Facebook pages and seeing which one is brave enough to try and make progress first. Results of this so far? About three fuckboys, many dramatic nights out and a bloody idiot sitting in her pyjamas, staring at vodka, while sharing her pointless story with you lovely ladies who are probably doing the exact same thing right now. Alright then, someone pass me that bloody naggin…

Such an exciting day!

Rant Of The Week: Why I Swiftly Decided To Remain A Swiftie

It’s first thing on a Tuesday morning, I am sitting here staring at this empty blog post while the kettle is boiling and there is mayhem in Celebville. Has this dramatically influenced my future in any way? Doubtful. I can hear Taylor Swift’s voice playing through my phone as usual, and my Instagram is probably open on one of the Kardashian’s accounts. However, what also hasn’t changed is the sad and disappointed feeling in my heart as I scroll through social media to see things about the end of Taylor Swift and how she has, according to some people, been exposed for who she really is. Sadly, in a society that usually fights so hard not to tear down other women, a very talented and inspiring young woman is probably at a very low point in her life as she faces backlash for moving on to a new boyfriend and for an ever ongoing feud with an already very controversial celebrity power couple.

For the record, anyone who knows me knows I LOVE both Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian. When it comes to celebrities, these two are my ultimate favourites. I admire them in very different ways – Taylor for using her extraordinary talent to, in a way, expand her girl squad to millions and for rising to a height of fame purely using her music. She is the woman I turn to in times of need and when I need a good pick me up. When it comes to Kim Kardashian, scrolling through her Insta is part of my everyday social media routine and I just love keeping up with her fashion, North’s antics, her extravagant life and the way she will go to the ends of the earth to defend the ones she loves – as we have seen recently with her defense of Kanye on Snapchat. It is because of this strong love of both why I find the Snapchat revelation upsetting, and downright awkward. It’s like when two of your friends get into an argument and you’re stuck in the middle weighing up both sides of the argument but really wishing you had a time machine to go back and stop one of their current husbands storming on stage during the other one’s VMA speech in 2009. I think we’ve all been there.

I was going to comment on the Katy Perry and Calvin Harris saga, but after this Kimye situation has now taken over the internet instead I feel that has quickly been forgotten. I’m sure we all have a Katy Perry – that one girl you just don’t get along with and haven’t for years. And as for Calvin Harris, how many people have completely healthy friendships with an ex after a break-up? There was always going to be issues there as Taylor moves on, which she has the right to do. I don’t know the full details of any of those relationships because none of us do.

For a moment though, can we remove ourselves from the fame and money filled celebrity bubble? Can we imagine that this is an argument happening between normal people? Wouldn’t we consider terms such as ‘RIP Taylor Swift’ and snake emoji’s under all of their photos as bullying? Can’t anyone see how this would affect her mental health? Don’t people realise we actually know nothing about the truth of what has happened? And where have Kim and Kanye’s huge army army suddenly risen from? The pit the media is trying to push Taylor Swift into? For a moment, please think about how sick you are of seeing stories about it on your newsfeed, now imagine you are Taylor scrolling through all of these – being told your career is over, your image is destroyed forever, your group of friends aren’t as great as they seem and having people trying to snatch your crown as America’s Sweetheart from your head all because of an argument over a song many of us knew nothing about months/years earlier. Sorry, Kanye!

This won’t be an issue for everyone though, lots of people have no interest in celebrity gossip, and if you’re with Taylor for her music you’re staying with her. I have been to two Taylor Swift concerts in my lifetime, I have seen the masses and masses of crowds travelling from near and far to see this woman in person. So if you’re trying to tell me that 85 million Instagram and 79 million Twitter followers later that this is the end of this ladies career, I can tell you that you have never been more wrong. Even if these millions of people decided to give up on her, she still has my support and the support of her friends behind her, so her career is still very much alive!

It’s time to get the snake emoji out of your recents, stop complaining about her fourth of July pictures, stop pretending you’re a hardcore Kimye fan, stop pretending the cause of their argument dramatically affected your life and realise that somewhere in the world there is probably a very talented, powerful, 26-year old woman crying to Tom Hiddleston because of an uncontrollable mass of cyber bullying. At least Taylor’s squad all support and empower each other, whether you love them or hate them you can’t deny their loyalty. If you’re attending the #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty today, don’t try and change your mind tomorrow after you’ve already had the party bag and made your opinion known just because you need something new to write about.

I know I don’t know what really happened, but in reality none of us ever will. There are questions that have been left unanswered and of course there are fans that have been left disappointed and confused. However, as respectable people of the world we all need to open our eyes and realise that whether you are on Taylor’s side or not, whether she was lying or not, whether the Kardashians dislike her or not, trying to turn an entire world against one woman isn’t the world we need to be living in. Surely we have faced worse villains in our time, right?

Rant Of The Week: Don’t Be Hosting The Ghosting

It’s quarter past 6 on a Tuesday evening and you’re patiently waiting for the Snapchat ‘opened’ symbol to turn into a message you have yet to open. You wait and wait, make a cup of tea, wash your dog, paint your toenails, think about what the reply is going to be, get married, have three kids, buy a house, get your pension, and still nothing. Maybe he’s busy? Maybe he’s lost wifi? Maybe he doesn’t know what to reply? Or maybe he’s er, ghosted me? Ghosting is a common occurrence in today’s society, you think you’re getting to know someone and get used to talking to them, hope it’s going somewhere and then BOOM, before you know it, he’s gone, disappeared off the face of the earth while you’re left to over analyse every moment leading up to him doing a runner. Were my snaps too ugly too soon? Was I too clingy? Did I become an eager beaver? Is he thick?

 

You try not to panic too much because it’s still early but then one opened symbol and forty angry texts in your squad’s group chat later makes you ask yourself – when did ghosting become okay? When did people decide it was completely acceptable to just cut people off without any reason or explanation? We wouldn’t do this in person, right? You wouldn’t just climb out of the closest window in the middle of a lunch date (I hope!) As much as we hate to admit it, I think we have all been a victim of ghosting at some point in our dating history. You soon start to realise your Ross and Rachel idea of the romance was completely false and unrealistic and in reality you now know that he saw you as more of a Janice than a Rachel. So what does send many of today’s males out the door? Are they running from commitment? Do they think by ghosting you they’re escaping their own ghosts? Do they just fancy a new life outside of your social media accounts? Again, are they just thick? Even if you do see him, chances are he will blank you or just nod awkwardly, acting oblivious and trying to pretend the last four Thirsty Thursdays never happened.

Funnily enough, if we try to make contact to find our feet and figure out where we stand in the on/off/are we/aren’t we relationship we are seen as clingy and crazy while the world’s greatest escape artist running for the hills and completely leaving us in the dark is seen as the norm. Wasn’t it going well? Didn’t we have similar interests? Didn’t our kiss send sparks flying? Didn’t he appreciate how cute I looked with the dog filter? I put makeup on at 11.30pm for him! You start to come up with all these extreme scenarios in your head about his whereabouts – Is he back with his ex he was with four years ago? Has he gone into witness protection? Was he texting me as some sort of a sick joke all along? Am I going to be on Catfish?? You then rule out all of these when you watch him go through 3 girls in one night and then read ‘Sorry, I’m just in a bad place at the moment’ in his cowardly text back 47 weeks after you politely (demanded with gun emojis) asked for an explanation. You aren’t really sorry though, are you mate? Where is this bad place many of today’s eligible bachelors are living in? Hell? Their ex-girlfriends mind? Mr Big’s shoes? I’d say that area is now sprawling into the suburbs by the minute at the rate us lovely ladies are being left in the dark re-reading all our sent texts.

After watching many different and also many similar experiences in the lives of myself and my friends, I have realised that as painful as it is, the truth is if he ghosts you he’s not the one. Do you really want a man who couldn’t care less if you go days or weeks without talking? Do you want a partner who is that cowardly? 20 years down the line he’ll tell you he’s picking up a takeaway and then you’ll spot him in the background of a random documentary that was filmed in Peru. You coming back hun? Can you please let me know so I have an idea of how many potatoes I need to cook for dinner? Ladies, if he ain’t gonna chase you, he wont wait long to replace you! May the ghoster become the ghostee!