Single life in your twenties? Let’s be honest, it’s bloody horrific. Horrific, but also SUPER fun. Weird times, folks. I’m 23 now, standing somewhere between the bottle of pink gin that regularly has me starting on my ex, and all the people I went to school with who are settling down.
This limbo phase contains lots of pizza, “I’ll start on Monday” lies, the need for a more frequent bikini wax, and the faint echo of my mother’s voice whispering “Maybe you should join Match.com.” No, really. Apparently Tinder just doesn’t cut it anymore and she’s ready for me to start popping out Grandchildren, even though their father would be leaving me on read during labour because the only thing he is capable of sending is mixed singles and the occasional unwanted dick pic.
A fair few years of confusion and complaints left yet mum, soz.
So, the realities of single life in your early twenties, what are they?
Your best boob years being wasted on dodgy flings
Granted, best boob years minus the sprouting of the random nipple hairs…
Healing from past trauma
If you don’t occasionally stare out your window dramatically when you’re desperately hungover, did you really ever have your life ruined by a countryside version of Mr. Big?
Deactivating Tinder, reactivating Tinder
Is this guy a serial killer or my soulmate?
Using lemon water to cleanse all sins
Honestly, will that hookup with my ex even count if I can lose two pounds in three minutes?
Whispering “The girls are gonna kill me!” when you’re searching his bedroom floor for your bra and brain cells
See you next weekend hun x
Getting ghosted more often than the cast of Grey’s Anatomy
*Insert cricket sounds here*
Becoming a f*ckboy because of the f*ckboys
Who does this guy think he is turning up here with genuine feelings and zero emotional baggage??? No thank you, hun.
Thinking you’re a powerful, sexual goddess
His ceiling could really do with a lick of paint…
Shall we go back to your parent’s house or mine?
You wanna stay for the Sunday roast?
Communicating through Insta likes
Let’s move this energy to a dead end Netflix and chill date, shall we?
Drowning in self-pity after self-sabotage
Here I am again – alone, unloved… and did I mention ALONE?
All the effort
If I want to get to know this guy do I really have to talk to him? Is it worth the eight months of possible emotional trauma? Is asking him to sign a contract a little OTT?
The timeline panic
But how do you know you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Don’t you consider yourself to still be a baby? WHERE IS MY BANK CARD?
Beating your cringe level every weekend
Ah, asking him why he’s stopped texting me back but is still liking my pictures – a personal best.
The much-needed input from the gals
Look, all I’m saying is I’m not allowed to snap a certain guy in a certain location because apparently it’s cursed judging by previous outcomes from these snaps in this location…
Thinking you’re an inspiration to all
I can’t make a lad stay for an entire Friend’s episode but here’s why I believe that you should definitely dump your fella…
I LOVE being single
90% of the time.
I AM DESTINED TO BE ALONE FOREVER
That 10% when I’m craving Chinese and a cuddle….
Helping yourself through pain in a mature, sophisticated manner
Would you like me to explain how you’ve upset me or should I just cut all my hair off and dye it purple?
Maybe I should join Match.com?
“Fenella, 23, random nip hairs, will threaten you with poetry…”
Remaining a hopeless romantic
I struggle to find a man who communicates his feelings or replies to two-lined texts but I can’t wait to meet the one who is willing to dangle off a Ferris wheel for me so that I’ll go to the cinema with him. I’ll have the medium combo hun x
Congrats on reaching the end of the post. Although if you were looking for some inspirational words or meaningful guidance about the reality of single life in your early twenties, you’re totally in the wrong place. I’m just winging it too!