Ah, Tinder. The modern day equivalent of normal, civilised dating and the perfect place to advertise my love life going down the crapper. Honestly, what would we do without it? I live for the below adventures…
That selfie hit 100 likes, I hope people won’t presume I’m a catfish if I use that one. Although, I believe this other pic has the perfect go with the flow/might boil your bunny balance, maybe I should use that one. Oh my god this bio will let everyone know I am such a laugh. Will linking my Insta get me more followers or traumatise me daily?
You on Snapchat?
Of course I’m on Snapchat, hun, but it’s 1am and I’m smothered in Sudocrem whilst watching a murder documentary in my Disney pyjamas. I’m currently sporting all the spud vibes, it’s too soon for you to see me like this, plz don’t do this.
Who are you?
Okay Tom, perhaps you are my soulmate but which fella are you in the group pic? Do I swipe right and hope you’re the one in the middle? The lad in the jeans doesn’t really look like my type. Wouldn’t mind a night of passion with the fella on the right and his tattoos but can’t see us jetting off on a romantic getaway anytime soon. Dammit Tom, you had one job. You’re already stressing me out.
Did I mention he has a beard?
Gals I know you’re not on board with this latest romance, and yes, granted, the Snapchat dick pics and rate he’s updating his Tinder gym pics aren’t giving me the best vibes but maybe I could be the one to change him? I’ll block him tomorrow I swear…
Fancy seeing you here
Erm excuse me, you’re currently seeing my best mate, don’t think I’m gonna just let this one slip under the Tinder carpet of shame. You are not welcome here, don’t pretend to be one of us. Equally awks when you like a mate just to be polite and you end up matching. Yep, I have absolutely no intention of seeing you in the nip, and now that we’ve hit this level of weirdness, imma let myself out.
Didn’t know he’s single again? Shall we give it one more go? Quickie after a night out and never tell the girls? Is this a sign? Am I just really bored? Oh god he didn’t even swipe right, maybe he hasn’t come across me yet? Or maybe I should delete my whole account and start a new life in the jungle? He always was a twat.
Be clear, people
Look, I don’t mean to be blunt, I’m sure you’re a lovely guy but before this goes any further I need to know if that’s actually your puppy and if you’re regularly in Paris or if that was just a once off.
I am so done with this
Yes, I am bored of Tinder. Yes, I will redownload it when I get ghosted by the prick I’ve been snapping for months. Yes, I am using it as an emotional crutch to fill a void when feeling rejected.