Monday, 8 May 2017

How To Break Up Your Bestie And Her Boyf

Okay, I don't actually have the answers or a way to break up your bestie and her boyf because a true friend shouldn't want to do that unless she's dating the lad off the Go Compare advert... but thanks for clicking anyway and please keep reading below because my own self pity just isn't enough...

We've all been there, smiling along and trying to be happy for our friends who are happily in relationships or slowly but surely getting to that stage with a delightful man. Of course we all want the best for our girls but lets be honest, you know, I know and they know a small part of us is thinking "You bitches!" Trust me, this is coming from a girl who is currently picking the spot on her chin while listening to "On My Own" from Les Mis. I also had a wasp in my bed earlier, the only other weight that's been in bed with me for a while I can assure you! So here you are, watching your friends tag their boyfriends in relationship memes, bitterly liking their Instagrams together to be a supportive friend, all the while being left on read and feeling like none other than Bridget Jones at the start of the movie when All By Myself is playing.

So how do you try to distract yourself from this? How can you hold onto hope that your knight in shining armour is on his way when you find yourself creeping on your ex again because you get so desperate and bitter you question whether he was the one and that twat in tinfoil just slipped straight through your fingers? How can you remain positive when the most romantic texts you're getting are the ones from your mum to let you know she bought you chicken dippers today when she went shopping?

After the tremendous pain that you experience when you feel like your heart is being stabbed by your friend's boyfriend while your friend is the one stabbing you in the back, it is time to take a step back and look at the situation clearly. Sure, you may have lost your fellow unlovable and emotionally messed up companion, but at least she is hope for the future that some man may one day fall for a psycho like you and look past your (many, trust me there are A LOT of them) flaws and quirks.

I think it is normal to look at couples around you and feel a little resentful because the grass will always be greener on the other side. Why don't you ask yourself, what are you sad about? Being alone? Losing your best friend? Feeling extra alone now that you've lost your best friend? Or are you just being a little overdramatic because you know when she's in this comfortable relationship watching Netflix and going out on dinner dates with her other half you know she will be less likely to accompany you on the adventure of egging a f*ckboy's car or picking you up off the nightclub toilet floor because she's possibly in bed by 10 or has to be up early for a romantic day out?

As you're on your eighth ferrero rocher you can't seem to get visions of her wedding out of your head and all the bridesmaids beside you who have already walked down the aisle and there you are, bang splat in the middle of youthful friendship and forever. Surely forever finds everyone eventually and no one truly knows when they have found it. Do I want forever to find me today or is forever so frightening that it knows to wait until my timing is nothing but magic? Or am I making up crappy excuses because I know I obsess over emotionally unavailable idiots who don't obsess over me in return and there is a 99% chance I need a good slap across the face with a flip flop??

I know how you're feeling, you're feeling like you wouldn't stand out in a crowd of sloths, like you'll never find love and keeping it real here, you're feeling like you bloody need the shift. A good old passionate smooch... preferably with a lad from Hollister but lets be realistic the chances of him waving goodbye to Lauren in knitwear for a disaster like you are slim when you are too afraid of making eye contact with an attractive male (me all over) and always stroll into the shop squinting dramatically because you don't have your glasses on and no one can seem to find the bloody lights in these stores!

Never fear girls, this feeling is normal when you're forever alone like I am and my best advice is keep bopping along to The Spice Girls Wannabe and keep those spirits high because when shit hits the fan you've got to have your best friend game face on and ready to slay some satan spawn. Although, be prepared because of course they will get back together, and yes, you have to have a game face for that moment too because nobody likes a miserable bridesmaid unless your friend is marrying the guy I mentioned in the first sentence of this post and in that case I will even help you plan how to skip the wedding altogether without your bestie giving you the silent treatment for the next 39 years... mysterious contagious bug that takes down entire wedding parties, anyone?!

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