Tuesday, 4 April 2017

The Mystery Of Men

Men think differently to us women, this is no secret. Don't get me wrong, I love men. Men are lovely, men are cuddly, and men are constantly stuck in my brain. However, men are not me and because of this I cannot work them out, not even for a second. In fact, I've given up trying (for tonight anyway!) I've even convinced my mum of the strange ways of the males of our generation, for so long she tried to keep my hope for true love and romance there but overtime I think the same experiences repeating themselves only made her think "My god, my daughter is absolutely tragic." She used to tell me I was overthinking everything but now whenever I don't get a text back for more than eight hours she is the one wallowing on the floor in self pity while I'm sitting there like "Meh, what's new, another cuppa please dad!"

I am not sure how their brains work, all I know is, not very well or so well that I am wayyyyy behind. They do things that leave us trying to work out the logic for a period of 47 years and then when we question it they don't want to discuss it. Oh I'm sorry, can you not discuss your master plans for world domination after 8pm? Was he even aware I was confused or was he watching the football whilst eating a crunchie without a care in the world? Enlighten me please and pass me a crunchie.

Do you ever notice when you confront them about something they shouldn't have done they lose the plot, call you psycho and avoid the topic completely? Just me? You try to tell him something stupid he did that upset you and suddenly you're going to boil his bunny, he's listing all your insecurities, he wants you to move to the Australian Outback alone forever so your presence is no longer wrecking his head and there's dramatic full stops flying all over the shop. Verdict, ladies? WE FIND THE DEFENDANT... GUILTY.

Why do they also decide to drop off the face of the earth every so often and then come strolling back into your life happily as if they've just woken up from a nap that lasted seven months? Where have you been? Who have you been with? Why did you come back? What's your name again? Why does the elastic band theory mean I'm the only one who is getting injured from the force of it? WHY AM I STILL STUPID ENOUGH TO TEXT YOU BACK WITHIN THREE SECONDS???

Also, they seem to think liking your selfie after ruining your life and breaking your heart automatically puts them on top of your list again? Back away, Satan. After many 80's love songs and tear soaked pillows, we all decided you were better off left in hell. 'All' referring to my mum, nan, sister, two best friends and I guess me after a lot of convincing and attempts to tear the phone out of my hand so I don't send you any cringey messages. Hey, at least I'm honest.

We just think differently, it really is true. Whenever my friends are like 'Why did he do this??' I always try to offer wisdom and make up a load of crap to comfort them, when in reality my head is thinking 'WHY DID HE DO THIS?' Does anyone know? Do his friends know? Does Beyonce know? Does he even know? Like not being funny, us girls overthink everything, we need answers, we make up solutions for everything and pull them out of thin air and magical kingdoms far far away. I bet Liam Payne's ex-girlfriends bestfriends were like 'Gal bet he only did that to make you jealous' after Cheryl gave birth to their baby recently. You heard it here first...

Are all men mentally up on Mars having a laugh at how worked up we get over things? Do they have a notebook full of organised, colour coded plans or do they just act on impulse? Will we ever know what goes on in their heads or was the world supposed to be this way... forever?

SEND HELP. SEND VODKA.

Side note: Potential boyfriends still welcome, don't be shy xx

1 comment:

  1. Ammmm wow and heres me thinking i could write a bible-sized book on women. . . Bet the bible would have more factual answers aswell

    ReplyDelete