Sunday, 5 February 2017

Shout Out To My Best Friend's Ex

Let's face it, when your best friend's heart breaks, yours does too. When it ended badly or on a messy note, there are just too many things you want to say to the guy who hurt her, even though you probably, maybe, REALLY REALLY shouldn't. She's crying, you're crying, he's off doing his own thing, ignoring her texts, leaving her hanging there and all you want to do is fire a shoe at the lad for doing this to one of your favourite humans.

As a girl who is one of these psychotic/loyal best friends to many girls, I have decided to put together a list of the things we really want to say to him. I know you might be a nice guy deep down and I know she wants to text you herself, but there are just so many things I have to say. SO MANY.

1. I put so much into this relationship!
Do you know how hard it is to read ninety screenshots of your arguments that didn't even send in the correct order? Do you know how many empowering playlists I made that girl so she could get over you? Do you know how many important moments of my life she missed because she was with you while you were being a pain in the ass? DO YOU??

2. Your entire social media presence is now a huge inconvenience to me
To be honest, I couldn't care less about your lads nights, your new girlfriend, your new car or what you had for breakfast, but I also won't delete you because I want you to see her slaying on a regular basis and spend the odd night crying yourself to sleep. Harsh or loyal friendship? You decide...

3. I know wayyyyy more about you than you think
Just don't be TOO cocky, that's all I'm saying...

4. Yes, I will probably 100% be shouting at you on Saturday night 
Look, I knew it was coming, you knew it was coming, the third shot of tequila knew it was coming... we all knew it was coming and couldn't be avoided. Fight for your gals to the end or don't fight at all, go hard or go home.

5. You were a total waste of her razor
Like honestly, what was the point?

6. Ignore her text on Saturday night, she wasn't allowed to send that
Look, I'll have words with the girl, but I am telling you that the vodka-filled blubbering mess she is at 2am isn't the real her, she's just extra volatile and aggressive when I try to take her phone. Text her back the next day when I've kicked her ass all the way back into Beyonce mode and you'll know where you really stand! Cyaaaaaa xx

7. We no longer dislike your ex (apologies for all the previous hassle)
We feel you girl, WE FEEL YOU.

8. She has no idea what your new girl looks like so don't bother rubbing it in 
I took it upon myself to block you on every form of her social media. If it isn't on her own newsfeed, it isn't actually happening!

9. This breakup has made me gain weight too you know
You think I can go over to her house and pick up the pieces of this break up without sharing the ice cream with her, bringing her chocolate to shut her up for five minutes or drinking gallons of wine at the weekend? These carb queens are now badly wounded victims, we just need time to heal and de-bloat, okay?

10. If you guys get back together please forget/ignore all of the above
I mean YOU can forget it for the sake of awkwardness between us, although I most definitely will not forget it. I'm watching you.



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