Tuesday, 15 November 2016

The Making And Breaking Of A Heart

No matter the levels of bitterness, the amount of grudges that are being held and the complete regret about some of the things you did leading up to this point... at some point in every woman's life someone else will have the power to split her heart in half, leaving it frail and empty for a very long time.

I'm not writing this because I've recently experienced heartbreak, I haven't. Thankfully, it's been quite some time since I've stared at my bedroom ceiling overthinking every moment up to this point and then filling my weekends with too many shots, rash decisions, drunken texts and the inevitable Sunday morning fear. The reason I am writing about heartbreak today is because I wanted a topic that every woman reading could relate to. Whether this blog brings you back to a year ago, 10 years ago, pulls at your heart strings right now as you eagerly wait for a text from him, or even if it just prepares you for the future, there is nothing quite like real heartbreak and I hope this post awakens a part of all of you that, just like myself, may have been left dormant for some time.

If you aren't sure whether you have had your heart broken before, chances are you haven't. If the word itself doesn't send memories and his face swirling around in your mind then you have luckily escaped the curse up to this point. I call it a curse, but it is also a blessing to know that your heart is capable of feeling that much. Heartbreak isn't only noticeable in your own heart, you know which men came and left your girlfriends and took pieces with them. You see the way one person has changed her and no matter how many teary sleepovers and 'nah never liked him anyway' comments you make, there will always be a soft spot in her heart dedicated to him even if you want him to remove himself from her life and take residence on the moon.

Heartbreak isn't checking up on him every two minutes, heartbreak is removing any traces of him from your life because it hurts too much. It's blocking him on Facebook, but asking him for answers face to face at 1.30am on a messy Saturday night. It's banning your friends from updating you about his life because you don't want to know if he went to the zoo last weekend, or if he's got a new girlfriend or if he's coping just fine without you. You don't want to hear about current him, you like seeing the old him - the pictures you kept on your phone, the messages he sent you, something random that is hidden in a box under your bed that brings you back to one ordinary day spent with him that will stay with you forever. You go over all of this whilst blaring the Top 100 Lovesongs of the 80's and then every album Taylor Swift has ever released. You go from the feeling of Little Mix's Love Me Or Leave Me to Shout Out To My Ex within a matter of minutes and the most important thing about all of that is, that's okay. Eventually, Shout Out To My Ex will be a permanent feeling rather than a temporary one.

And as awful as heartbreak is, it really does make you stronger because no matter how many romantic hurdles or minor dating dilemmas you face in the future, it will never quite compare to that one time you wasted a week of your life being a part of your duvet, losing your appetite, questioning your self worth and bursting into tears at any random time while doing any random thing like pouring yourself a glass of orange juice.

I'm not going to tell you you ever really heal because I don't know that for sure. Your stomach will still do flips when you see him across the street and you will still say 'Ugh, I hate that guy' at least once every six weeks even though you don't really hate him.

However, eventually you will take a good hard look at that blubbering mess from the outside and give yourself a good slap as you are surrounded by millions of people and millions of places and realise life is too short to be wasted crying over the same person over and over again. Lets face it, nobody wants to lie on the chest of a person who's heart is beating for somebody else. Of course, some songs will still bring you back to a time with him, you may never fully get closure because he doesn't want to give it to you and you may cringe thinking back to the last thing you said to him in a vodka fueled state while telling him everything you've ever felt about him and how much he meant to you. Should we really regret the things we said though? I guess not, because drunken or sober, chances are you meant every word of it because your heart was finally pushed to breaking point. You need to give yourself the power of closure and don't leave it in his hands because after everything you've been through together, no matter how much you loved him or how perfect he seems to your biased heart, maybe you didn't lose him, maybe he lost you.

Oh, and on a quick side note, if you haven't experienced any of this yet, it's only a matter of time before your heart starts acting like a complete and utter intoxicated idiot and ignoring every message your head sends down. I wish you the best of luck!


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