Anyone who knows me well knows I'm the most laid back person when it comes to important things such as exams, but a complete nervous wreck when it comes to simple everyday tasks such as asking for a cup of tea refill in a cafe. I would gladly dye my hair any colour of the rainbow or chop it all off, but when it comes to getting on a bus alone I need to mentally prepare for it for approximately 45 days in advance. I've always been a very anxious girl and watching old videos recently proved it by seeing myself spend a good 10 minutes trying to get out of a swimming pool only to get back off the ladder when other people came closer and I felt under pressure.
It's very strange that I get so worked up about little things because I'm so chatty and a complete social butterfly. I love going out and seeing friends, but I am terrified of stepping out of my comfort zone and don't adapt well to change. If there is a situation I don't feel comfortable with or made me nervous before, I would not want to go back. Everyone jokes about how non-adventurous I am because when it comes to certain things, I like safety and familiarity. For example, I remember going surfing and dreading it the whole way while everyone else was so excited. One of my biggest life achievements to date would probably still be getting to the top of a rock climbing wall without landing flat on my bum or dangling awkwardly above everyone giving them all an unfortunate angle of my double chin. I am also a complete home-bird and used to hate even going on sleepovers to my friends. I was that kid who always had an excuse 'Aw sorry, I'm conveniently going away that day again just like I was the last time you invited me...' I went to Dublin to live for a while and I still can't believe I was actually able to do that. It's only the past while that I don't mind going away because I've realised if I have the right company I'll be fine, so I think finding a friends group you're completely comfortable with helps a lot. I still get home sick, but not to the point of tears, more to the point where I miss Flounder, my dad making me tea or being able to skip around the house singing 80's love songs. Stepping out of my comfort zone has definitely helped me, but it just takes a lot of persuasion or a very nice pair of shoes to convince me to do that.
It sounds mad because if I'm about to do something small I have to plan it in my head and get approval from everyone else around me before doing it. I hate being caught for time and I hate needing to be somewhere when I'm with someone who is really relaxed about time. I recently got on a bus to Waterford alone and was texting my friend constantly asking if I had the right day and if I would be okay and get off at the right place even though Waterford is the end of the route! If you've spent time with me before this is probably now making sense to you if I was about to do something and asked 'Okay, but what exactly should I say?' or 'Will that be okay? Do you want to do it instead?' Even in school, skipping homework was not an option for me. Skipping studying for exams, yes, but homework where it will have immediate consequences and put me on edge for a whole forty minute class knowing the teacher could ask for it and I just never bothered to do it, no way José.
If I'm heading on a night out I'll be dancing around my room doing my hair, make-up, downing my Kopparberg and loving life, but as I'm in the car reality hits again and I'll have to look in my handbag twenty times to double check I have the three very important things - My phone, I.D and money. I'll always say 'I feel like I'm forgetting something' and my friends will always respond with 'You always think that!' I once had a part-time job that I felt uncomfortable in and I think getting locked in the store room on the first day didn't help that situation! Of course that could only happen to me, Mrs Unfortunate! I got out though and lived to tell the tale (they found me after like 10 minutes) thank the lord...
Anyway, I just wanted to share this because you guys only get to see a part of me from behind a screen but I just wanted all my fellow Nervous Nellys out there to know that you're not alone. I even get really nervous about super exciting things and then afterwards I feel like a huge weight (so not my purse, unfortunately) has been lifted from my shoulders and I always feel great and so proud of myself. Lets just say thank god my mums a hairdressser, because if I had to ring and book my own appointments somewhere else I can guarantee you I would still have my natural colour! I mean like I haven't been to the dentist since I was about 12, meh, I'll take my chances... :P